I'm learning to expand beyond my trusty ball point pen and am practicing drawing with carbon pencil. Trees are tough but with enough practice, I hope to understand the essence of trees. Whether or not this tree succeeds is not the question - I'm just drawing and if it takes me 10,000 drawings of trees to get it right - then 10,000 drawings of trees it shall be!

I’m a member of Danny Gregory‘s Everyday Matters Yahoo Group and recently, Louise, one of the members posted an email regarding doubt. More specifically, she asked how members of the group overcome those days when the creativity doesn’t seem to flow and the insecurity is at an all time high.

How does one continue to promote one’s art without the self-consciousness and the fear of being labeled pretentious?

I am very familiar with these feelings so I shared with her some of the ways that I get through those days.

Being confident isn’t everything but it helps.

Having confidence is certainly key to a creative person’s success – whether it’s believing that you’ll eventually be able to paint the way you want to or be able to make a good living from your own creative work. After all, if you don’t believe in yourself, why should others?

Having written that, I also believe that it’s not as essential as some other traits. Because like the ability to draw and paint, I believe confidence can be acquired and strengthened with practice. It’s like a muscle – without the daily exercise, the daily practice, the daily doing – your confidence muscle can atrophy.

So, how to overcome the insecurities and gain confidence?

Being unafraid to fail is more important than confidence.

One of my creative goals is to be able to illustrate the ideas I have floating around in my head so I've taken to doodling in my journal to find my style. I don't know if I suck or am perceived as pretentious but it ultimately doesn't matter. I am sharing my process of finding my own style. For instance, The Locks of Love illustration is an idea for an upcoming charity event, and the devil-child & cat was Halloween inspiration.

Gain more confidence by doing, painting, drawing, getting yourself out there, participating in conversations, blogging about it, then failing, then learning, and keeping on going.

Learn not to be afraid to make the mistakes. And if there is fear, acknowledge the fear but don’t let your actions be controlled by it. That is at the heart of confidence.

Here are a couple of quotes that I absolutely love and keep close to my heart:

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

~Ambrose Redmoon

And my all-time favorite Thomas Edison quote:

I have not failed, I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

~Thomas Edison

Ack! But what if I suck? What if my work is seen as pretentious?

Recent mark-makings in my sketchbook & playing with color.

Yes, I’ve heard those words in my own head many times. Here’s my take on it:

So what if I suck? Yes, I am going to suck, I am going to fail, I am going to make mistakes. See the above paragraph on how to overcome the suckiness and failures.

But eventually, I will figure it out by continuing to draw and create and practice. In the drawing and creating and practicing, my work might come off as pretentious, but that is all a part of figuring out who I am as an artist. The same thing applies to you.

And on the subject of pretentiousness – I think that comes through when a person isn’t being authentically themselves, pretending to be someone they are not. But that is a judgment call and is so subjective.  You can’t control what others think about you anyway so go ahead and just be yourself and have fun doing it!

Maybe you just need a break from the creativity.

So when the doubts hit, and the anxiety, stress and worries start to kick in, maybe you just need to go for a nice long walk. Just like with physical exercise and rest, your creativity muscles also need to relax.

For me, the external world can sometimes get so loud that I can’t hear myself think, let alone be creative. Those are the days when I shut off my computer, I throw the dogs in the car, and take a nice long hike up in the hills. I will come back feeling rejuvenated, and more ready to face that blank piece of paper or canvas.

What have you done that’s worked for you?

Other members of the EDM group suggested switching from one’s media of choice to another that one doesn’t always work with. And others suggested just doodling and making marks in one’s sketchbook (another one of my personal favorites).

What do you do to overcome doubt?

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Related posts:

1. A creative block on the creative path.
2. Creative block? Call a friend!
3. Doodles & Drawings: days 17-21

I’ve watched this video five times already today. Yes, it’s been one of those days, but you know what, it’s going to be a good day!

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On a lighter note, I’ve decided to go on a 30-day drawing marathon per Steve Pavlina style. I keep telling myself that I need to start drawing again and although I’ve started a figure drawing class, I need to just start making marks on paper again.  I’m hoping this marathon will jump-start this habit and that it will stick.

Day 1 is also my very first entry to Illustration Friday’s website.  This week’s theme is Infinite.  And here is my entry:

One of my biggest challenges is my roadblock to drawing from my imagination. I love to draw, but I’ve only drawn from life.  This is the first time that I have made marks on paper, at least since I was 10, without allowing my self-criticism to get the best of me. The criticism is still there but I won’t allow it to stop me from just playing. That’s all this is really. Just playing.

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What’s important is that I’ve been sitting for the last three weeks, 15 minutes every morning and every night before going to bed. Just sitting and counting breaths.  It’s a lot more difficult than it sounds – to try to reach 10, to inhale and exhale and to just focus on “one”, on “two”, on “three”, and that is a bird singing so beautifully and loudly, and what is Sammy barking at?, hmmm, I’m hungry, oh I should be counting – and back to “one”.  It is very rare that I ever reach 10.

It’s only been three weeks but in that time, my journal writings have reflected a person that doesn’t feel so panicked or rushed. I alluded to that feeling in my last post, when letting go of what’s not there just came to me.

The practice of sitting and counting breaths, of focusing on one, on two, on three – that practice reminds me to focus on what’s in front of me – to let go of what’s not there – which is everything else that is not in front of me. That includes the past, the future, and even the present, because really, what is the present?  By the time you sense it, it will already be in the past.

And yesterday, I was struck with another realization:

I need to start doing things with the small “I”, without the ego. Just writing those words, the essence is lost, yet, I don’t know how else to describe it. Replace the big “I” with the small “I” and the task at hand, whether it’s making websites or art, cooking dinner, cleaning the house, becomes about the task and not about me.

These words feel inadequate.

Make art with the little “I”, without the ego, learn with the little “I”, make websites with the little “I”.  It becomes about the work and not about me.  There is something very liberating about that – as though this load has been lifted off my shoulders.

We all have glimpses of what I’m talking about – that feeling of losing yourself in the moment with the task at hand, when hours fly by without notice.  It doesn’t have to be a task – it could be an activity, the runner hitting that high, the artist creating, the musician playing for hours. That is the closest I can come to describing this essential nature.

These words continue to be inadequate and I’m not a good enough wordsmith to describe this well, but let me try again: I’m learning the importance of fully expressing the essential nature of this person, this little “I” that’s me.

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It’s such a simple statement, and maybe even redundant, yet if feels very profound to me.

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She has been an avid hiker, like me, since she was a pup. When I arrived in the Bay Area, she was diagnosed with severe arthritis in her elbows. She was four at the time. It didn’t seem to stop her. She would chase cows, squirrels, cats. We ran through the trails of Redwood Park in the Oakland hills. She would always be along exploring the parks of the East Bay with me, just as we had done through the trails of the Sangre de Cristo mountains in New Mexico.

Two weekends ago marked a significant time in both our lives: I started giving her a separate walk on the trails because she is no longer able to keep up on our regular hikes with Sammy, our 4-1/2 year old Border Collie. It takes her about an hour to walk less than a mile.

We spent the New Year’s weekend playing in the snow up in Tahoe. Siwa had to stay behind for the snowshoeing trip, which made me really sad. But after she and I took a walk down the snow-filled road, she looked at me with her big brown eyes as if to say, “It’s ok. I’ve had my fun. I know my limits and I’m good with it.”

It’s really hard to see her slowing down so quickly in the last six months. But every step she takes, she does so with her tail wagging. She moves at her own pace, confident that she will get to where she needs to go in her own time. She is secure in herself, sometimes to the point of being aloof. (She is more like cat than dog in that way.) She is incredibly patient, though she does not hesitate to warn other dogs when they have crossed the line. She will defend herself but she rarely starts the fight. (That would be Sammy!) She is very forgiving, and is quite content to just enjoy her life.

*Sigh* I want to grow old gracefully like her. *Sigh*

This photo was taken after we hiked a good 3-4 hours in the mountains above Kangaroo Lake in Northen California this past summer. We crossed the Pacific Crest Trail at one point. She plopped on her bed upon our return to the campsite. Jon, Sammy, and I decided to take a dip at the lake, to which Siwa said, "I'm not moving from this spot!" Not bad for an old gal!

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What sparked this theme this time have been the images I’ve made for my digital art class. They are images that I’ve worked hard to render the final results for. It has undoubtedly made me ask some questions about the process of making art with a computer and the difference I feel from making art in the traditional, non-digital methods.

These questions have led me to some predictable and some surprising thoughts that I’ve found to ring true for me: (your own experiences may be different…)

1. Making art with a computer is a results-driven process. It is about the final image. This contrasts with what originally drew me to make art initially. Drawing, printmaking, and sculpture are not necessarily about the results (though getting a good image is always a nice bonus) – but about the process itself. Drawing is more about seeing and observing than about getting an exact representation on paper. Sculpture is about playing with mud. And printmaking – well, I just love the smell of ink, the feel of good 100% rag paper, and turning that press.
2. What I see on the computer is NOT always what I get, as in: “Wow that looked sooo good on the monitor but what the heck happened to the mid-range???” It’s a frustrating struggle to reconcile what I see on the monitor with the final 2-dimensional tangible result on paper. I experienced that frustration with my final print project.
3. The marks made with a computer are usually a reflection of the results I am after and a good indication of how well I know the application. The marks made with drawing, painting, and sculpture are usually a reflection of my current state of mind. A confident line is markedly different from a hesitant one.
4. Making art with a computer is usually a solitary process. Contrary to popular stereotypes, there are a number of traditional media that lend themselves to working among peers. Printmaking is a wonderful example. Many printmakers who don’t own their own press will usually join a print studio, where working in a group is common. Camaraderie is what I miss the most. Drawing from life is another example. Most artists will draw with groups and though most of the time is spent concentrating on drawing, those breaks can lead to some pretty interesting conversations. When was the last time you made digital art in a group? (Lab time in class does not count!)
5. It’s much easier to carry a sketch book than a computer regardless of how light the laptop is. Because after all, what happens when the battery dies and there are no electric outlets in the middle of the campground?
6. Computers make me swear. A LOT!
7. I really miss making art the traditional way.

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Reason Number One:

I took a sculpture class this summer. Yes, on top of every other commitment I’ve made, I decided it was high time to use my hands instead of my computer. First thing I made was an elephant. Of course.

This was followed by the monk’s head, which evolved from the difficulty I was having in making decent eyes and eyeballs. I thought, why not solve that problem by closing them lids!

Reason Number Two:

In addition to working almost full-time at the University, I continue to remain busy as a contractor for Masterpiece Manager. I’ve been working on a wonderful project with an awesome client. Once that site is done, I shall plug that site continuously as it is truly a beautiful site. I also have another pending project that I hope to complete soon.

Reason Number Three:

I was busy applying to Cal State University East Bay’s Multimedia Program, to which I was accepted! So if I thought I was busy now. . . I am so excited to learn more and actually make websites come alive with audio, video, and cool things like interactivity. And I hope to expand my repertoire beyond websites. I’m so looking forward to it!

Reason Number Four:

(I just really wanted to put their pictures up.)

Jon and I are off to a long camping trip this week, then off to beautiful Lake Faucherie for my birthday!

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It doesn’t matter what you think of yourself, and what you think of yourself will have no impact on your creative process.

He continues:

A focus on self-esteem can actually hold people back from being effective at creating what they want…

…Is it useful to discover what you think of yourself? Perhaps. Do you need to work on your opinion of yourself? NO. Will you hold yourself back if you do not entirely like yourself? NO. Is it wise to pursue self-esteem training or self-enhancement techniques? NO. In fact those practices may even work against you because they can drive your focus more and more inward. This makes it harder for you to create what you want to create. Since you are not your creations, what real difference does your self-opinion make in the creative process? NONE, SINCE YOU ARE SEPARATE FROM YOUR CREATIONS.”

On separation:

You are separate from the raw materials of your life, which includes your circumstances, your expereiences, your feelings, your opinions, your desires, your past, and your present. Your life is like a work in progress, but it will be hard to move with the same ease in your life that painters have, as they move toward and away from their canvases with their brushes loaded with paint, if you can only stand close to yourself. Most people stand so close to themselves that they often confuse who they are with what they have done, are doing, or might do in the future.

That’s me. Guilty as charged.

I’ve spent most of my time in the Bay Area fighting the urge to define my life based on my job (or lack thereof at times), or my career (or lack thereof at times), or my possessions (or lack thereof at times).

I have forgotten more often than I care to admit that I am not my job. I am not my career, nor my salary (or lack thereof at times). I ask myself often why it is that I have lost my sense of self here in California, and yet when I lived in New Mexico with very little money and possesions, I felt more sure of myself.

And yet, Robert Fritz says in his book: “It doesn’t matter.”

Oddly enough, not only do I have to agree, but I feel strangely liberated.

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The apprenticeship has been an interesting mix of fulfillment and challenges. On the one hand, I’ve really enjoyed working with and being in close proximity to the animals. On the other hand, zookeeping is physically demanding. I’m constantly on my feet, cleaning, feeding, herding, moving hay and straw, and in general, going non-stop all day long. I come home with little energy to do much else.

This particular apprenticeship program is suited for those who are looking to gain first-hand experience of zookeeping, and ultimately, a career change. These first few weeks have made me realize that I do not wish to become a zookeeper. (I really do enjoy making websites!)

If anything, I’ve gained an appreciation for what zoos and their keepers do for the animals. It’s not easy making a living as a zookeeper in the Bay Area, and certainly, most who work at the zoo do not do this for the money. These keepers are following their calling – their path in life. I’m all for that!

Finding balance has been difficult

Since starting my apprenticeship almost 4 weeks ago, juggling responsibilities for my various activities has been challenging. I work at a “regular job” 4 days a week. My freelance work continues to grow and I find it necessary to spend evenings and weekends focusing on these projects. And, up until recently I was putting in 16 hours per week at the zoo.

I’m not superwoman nor do I want to be. I was forced to look at my responsibilities and prioritize, especially because I was no longer enjoying much of anything. In essence, I was juggling 3 jobs. I had to look very closely at my goals and found that having a balanced life was very important.

I have since made arrangements to cut my apprenticeship time to 8 hours per week, with an increase in the overall duration of time that I am at the zoo. Life feels more sane!

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